The Four Bankers

A Play in One, Final Act.

By Chris Winters | February 2010 | FROM THE PRINT EDITION

Illustration by John Kachik

The scene: Four recently retired chief executives of major financial firms, Kenneth, Vikram, Maurice and Alvaro, meet at an exclusive resort. A waiter pours Champagne.

Four bankers

Kenneth: Ah, Dom Pérignon White Gold Jeroboam! We've come a long way, gentlemen!

Vikram: Who would have thought we'd one day be drinking White Gold?

Alvaro: Not I.

Maurice: No.

Kenneth: I remember when we had to settle for 1995 Krug Clos Ambonnay. It was tough then.

Alvaro: Oh, you were lucky. We used to serve Piper Sonoma in the boardroom.

Vikram: Oh, but you had a boardroom! We served Cook's in the men's room to our shareholders.

Maurice: If only I still had shareholders! I was lucky enough to have MD 20/20 mixed with Sprite to give to a few temporary staff in the hall.

Kenneth: Pure luxury! We held meetings on the sidewalk. We had month-old grape juice in a broken fridge, spat in it, and gave it to anyone who couldn't outrun us, and if we had any leftovers, had to drink it ourselves.

Maurice: Those were the days.

Vikram: Yes. Before we took the TARP funds.

Alvaro: We all took the money. Hate to admit it. We took $5 billion and frittered it away. Nothing to show for it.

Maurice: Ha! We accepted $40 billion and became the laughingstock of the industry. Had to give up the gold-plated toilet seats and the jet.

Kenneth: A pittance! We took $45 billion and used it to buy Merrill Lynch! We're still paying off Henry Blodget's severance package!

Vikram: Amateurs! We took $50 billion, in THREE rounds, and had to pay it back! To the GOVERNMENT, no less! All so I could keep my $3 million salary....

Alvaro: If I could have paid it to just the government! We had to prop up General Motors and Chrysler, fund lazy consumers' car shopping for HYBRID electric vehicles and drive to Washington, D.C., in a 1985 Oldsmobile Cutlass to thank Congress for its beneficence.

Kenneth: You DROVE to Washington? We WALKED to Washington and GROVELED at Timothy Geithner's feet while we were berated by angry MEDIA in order to get just a few extra billion.

Vikram: What I wouldn't have given to be berated! We had to CRAWL to Washington on our KNEES in midwinter, KISS Nancy Pelosi's ring and allow ourselves to be FLOGGED by volunteers from ACORN so we could raise a third $25 billion installment. Oh, the price we had to pay....

A pregnant pause.

Maurice: Right. We took $40 billion in ONE payment, GAVE it all to the Democratic National Committee, SOLD the private island, RESIGNED, ACCEPTED government ownership of our stock, BEGGED on national television for a salary cap and wrote a New York Times op-ed ENDORSING PAUL KRUGMAN'S book! And I had to promise never to do it again!

An awkward silence falls.

Vikram: You accepted government stock ownership?

Maurice: Indeed, I did.

The men all look at each other.

Kenneth: Did you at least cross your fingers when you promised?

Alvaro: FINGERS?! If only I....

Vikram: Please, Alvaro.

Maurice: Yes, it was painful, but they were good times, too, weren't they? Who's to say we wouldn't do it again?

Kenneth: Indeed. Cheers, gentlemen! To our profession's glorious past! And its glorious future!

They clink glasses.

Curtain.

(With apologies to At Last the 1948 Show)